DogMan and the cat
by Alantie
Summary: This was inspired by something I heard on the news... Basically an event including Sirius, the Marauders, alcohol and a cat. A REALLY evil cat, that has plans for world domination.


Note: Me and a friend thought this up on the train, after I told her of this thing I heard on the news about this kind of stupid, attmitedly drunk, guy. I changed the raccoon to a cat by the way, 'cos I wasn't sure if there are any raccoons in England, but I know that there are cats. There are always cats.  
  
By the way, some of the lines are borrowed from Gregg the Grim Reaper from 'Conkers Bad Fur Day' a really, really funny N64 game. Play it now.  
  
Also, I know that there is a cat in the books that Sirius doesn't mind (Crookshanks) but I'll just pretend that he doesn't think of Crooks as a cat, more of a kind of feline dog, with whiskers.  
  
Lastly, and yes, I'm going to shut up soon I promise, there is but 2 mild swear words in this. If you are madly and feverishly worried about words that basically mean 'poo', skim them. Thank you for you patience. May the Valar be with you.  
  
  
  
The DogMan and the cat.  
  
By IshtarSindarin  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I hate cats. Utterly. Blame my canine alter ego if you will, but I still blame the little furry bastards.  
  
There's just something very smug about cats; like when they're perched on an inch thick wall with 'You can't get me, you grounded bastard' type look.  
  
I have had many run-ins with cats over the years but the most memorable involves me, the Marauders (minus Peter, he was at school), a few litres of alcohol, and, of course, a cat.  
  
It was the Christmas holidays in our 7th year, and we had decided to spend it properly, so we all met up on the 23rd at James' place. I don't know how he got his parents out of there, but at the time I was more concerned by the drinks and the possibility of flying on a turtle (don't ask).  
  
We had all packed away our wands in the remote possibility that we would do something really stupid.  
  
Not that we would.  
  
Not that we have.  
  
Defiantly not.  
  
James had, as usual, insisted on bringing Lily 'Potter' as she was rather prophetically known back then, but we banded together to convince him otherwise.  
  
"It's a guy's night, Prongs, we can't have Ms Potter stalking around."  
  
James flushed at the name, but continues glaring at Remus. "Peters not here, we have to have four, Three is an unlucky number."  
  
"Like you care about superstition. If you were ever upset about breaking a mirror it would be because you couldn't use it to watch Lily."  
  
James was unmoved.  
  
"Come on, this is our last holiday while we're students, we've got to spend it as the Marauders."  
  
"Well, okay, but I get to have it at my place and you have to ask Narcissa out at the final ball."  
  
We agreed and you are not going to ask about the ball, are you. Good.  
  
So by two 'o' clock, we were all pretty much stoned, in various positions around Godric's Hollow.  
  
James had gotten over Lily's exclusion and seemed to be having a good time talking to himself.  
  
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?" he asked a politely silent leaf.  
  
"Mimblemurble, splurgit, blaaaaaaaarghh." Said Remus, from the lawn, though if it was in answer to James of to some higher being, we will never know.  
  
I was holding up very well (or so I thought), until I saw a cat, walking along a fence with that look of his face.  
  
My blood began to boil. I took aim and lobbed my half-empty (or half full) bottle at it. It missed by three feet, but the cat jumped of the fence and made a dash past the house. I dashed after it, flinging bottles, rocks, sticks and various other things that were lying around.  
  
Once the cat had reached the road, it bolted down a drainpipe. I tried dropping things onto it but I suspect they missed. I then got the brilliant idea of blowing it up. Smashing idea, I know, but I was stoned.  
  
Once I had collected the oil and matches, James and Remus had come to watch and were doing a very detailed commentation, complete with David Attenborough (the right brother?) accents.  
  
"And here we have Sirius Black, member of the Idiot genepool and under the subspecies of Git, and he has brought a can of oil and some matches. What could he be doing?"  
  
"I don't know, Lupin, but I suspect he has it in for that cat."  
  
"Oh yes, that cat. Now there is a ferocious feline if ever I saw one, hell bent on destruction. Probably has designs on world Domination."  
  
"Not to mention the girls toilets."  
  
" It could have some fierce competition from dear old Sevvie Snape in that case."  
  
"Oh look! Now Mr Black is holding up the can, and there goes the oil…and a match!"  
  
"Aaaaaah, the match went out, what a shame, but this won't stop Sirius. Oh no. If there is one thing to be said id Sirius it is that he keeps going doggedly, persistent as a, well, dog."  
  
"How true, how true. There he goes.. Oh, the same again! But no, this won't stop Black. Aaah, he's now pouring the whole can in that should help. And the match, yup, goes out. But I do believe Back has something up his rather crowded sleeve."  
  
"Oh yes, he's grabbed the matches, and he's jumped in…You think he's going to..?"  
  
"Shit, he is."  
  
"SIRIUS!!!"  
  
I couldn't here them, and even if I had, I wouldn't have stopped. So I landed in the pipe, lit a match, dropped it and…FWWOOUUUUUMMMM!!!  
  
The pipe erupted into flames, and a corner of my mind went, 'Oh shit, I'm gonna get fried', and I was inclined to agree.  
  
But instead, the explosion shot me out of the pipe like a bludger and sent me soaring over the house and onto the backyard lawn.  
  
60 metres up I was later to discover, but at that time all I was thinking was, 'Oh my god, I'm alive, oh my god, I'm alive, oh my god, I'm alive' etc… and then the idiot part of my mind that usually gets listened to thought, 'Whoah, that was kind off fun'.  
  
By the time Remus and James had run around the house, I was sitting up holding my head. They stared at me, as if worried I had hit my head and become brain0damaged, then I looked up and confirmed their fears.  
  
"That was cool."  
  
They looked at each other and started to laugh.  
  
When we got back to school, Peter had a laugh at my expense, not that I cared, and Lily just shook her head and smiled.  
  
So the long and short of it is that I still hate cats, Remus is still going on about brain-damage, Sevvie never took over the girls bathroom (not that we didn't assist and encourage him) and we somehow made it through the last of school in one piece.  
  
And the bloody cat got away.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I hope you enjoyed this, please, please, please feel free to review this, or else I will send my ickle Back Riders after you, so nyeah. :-p ( 


End file.
